The great Britton's, great Blog!

So D is away at a conference, I’ve dumped my kids off on my folks…

I am truly ‘Home Alone’.

What does a cosmopolitan man such as myself do with such leisure?

Write the great American novel perhaps?  No? How about make cold calls for charities?  

NO…sadly such lofty goals were not attained.   Rather, it was guy movie night.  Four hours of shear unadulterated movies with the F word in it 100’s of times. 

When I was single and melancholy, I liked depressing, art house movies at the Main in Royal Oak.  Now, I’m happy and thankful to have a wonderful family…so I like to see grown men beat the shit out of each other, which thankfully necessitates a lot of car chase scenes.

So needless to say Audi’s and Jason Stratham visited our tv a great deal these past two nights.  I did however want a little variety; so last night I got Transporter 3, the story of a man who can fight better than anyone else, can drive like no body’s business, and is on a mission to save a pretty gal from rich men trying to rape the land AND Taken, which is completely different, it is  the story of a man who can fight better than anyone else, can drive like no body’s business, and is on a mission to save a pretty gal from rich men trying to rape them.  It was a nice contrast.

Tonight, as the weather was such that I didn’t want a pre-cinematic motorcycle ride, I perused the video store again and out of sheer guilt for my days watching quality films, rented Hamlet 2 (and Crank, which I haven’t seen yet, but I believe is the story of a man who can fight better than anyone else, can drive like no body’s business, and is on a mission to save a pretty gal from rich men trying to do something bad.).  Have to tell you, LOVED Hamlet 2. 

However, after way too many DVDs there is one thing that I can say…

Man I just love that you don’t have to rewind DVDs.    And Elizabeth Shue…YOU ROCK!

Maura comes running in the other day, screaming and crying.  It takes a second but we realize her foot, more specifically her toe, is bleeding.

As experienced parents we immediately jump to action – she’s on the counter ready to wash that out in the sink while D dives through the air, gets the non-stingy spray stuff and some Band-Aid brand bandages ™ and has then half on before her feet touch the ground.

All the while, Mo’s screams of pain drive us on like a rousing chorus of ‘Eye of the Tiger’ in any of the Rocky movies…

Of course, as always happens when a young woman is injured on the weekend, her friends invariably show up. 

So as we’re doing this her friends come in and, hearing her cries, plead ‘Maura…are you alright?’

(a pause…)

‘Yeah, I’m fine.  I was just fake-crying.’

Mo is going to be trouble; there is no question.  She prefers to hang out with the gals who are a little older.  They are not delinquents or anything, they are great gals (three to be specific) who act a little big-sistery to her.  It seems harmless and to be honest, there is a lot less drama than when she plays with girls her own age…who actually don’t know how to play.  They talk about playing.  They bother you to get out things with which they might play but have forgotten about by the time you get them and they are now asking for something else.  Then they finish up running from place to place (backyard….front yard….neighbor’s house…swing set…a bedroom) preparing to play something but really only accomplishing an argument about what they’ll play…leading them to run someplace else and then argue again.

It is exhausting and annoying as hell.

Dotting big girls…great!

However, did notice a side effect we’ll need to address.   Tween-creep.

So I find myself with the kids and another brother/sister pair at the DQ.  I’m sitting while D is at commencement and their parents celebrate their anniversary.  I jokingly ask the sister (who is one of the bigger gals Mo likes to hang out with) if she likes the Jonas Brothers.

Before she can answer, Mo say’s ‘I do. They are hot.’

‘Really Mo?  Name one.’

Before she can answer, Brody’s buddy says which one he likes. Then describes his second favorite and then indicates why he doesn’t like whichever one is left.  He also indicates which are his favorite songs.

?????

Okay – Mo, no more big girl friends because you’re getting into Tween stuff…Brody, I’m not sure about that fella, I gotta think about this.  J

Technology: 

The promise – the ability to do tasks faster so you have more time to do what you want or be with your family.

The reality – we get a lot of tech-toys, spend months trying to synch them all up, and once that is accomplished, but new ones.  Then we spend hours using that technology, such that we never actually do anything that doesn’t involve a monitor or actually interacting with a human who can hear your voice without the aid of a device.

However, amid the noise of these addictive, time-bandit toys, there is the occasional ray of hope…the one application that meets such a personal need…like every Rick Warren, Joel Osteen and Oprah buzzword infused, proto-religious, new age BOOOL Shit book-on-tape…wrapped into one lofty website.

The website my friends is:

MY POKECARD.COM

Stop wasting your time on Facebook trying to figure out if your house, car, spouse, kids, clothing or boobs are better than someone from high school!  Stop trying to figure out Twitter so you can be cool, there’s nothing to figure out, it’s just dumb!  Don’t spend hours on eBay trying to find that toy from your youth that you wished your parents hadn’t tossed (the Vintage Panasonic r-70 transistor radio with chain!), it was from the 70’s, it was probably filled with DDT, Asbestos, and your neighbors pot! 

NO, go to MYPOKECARD.COM and create your own pokemon card.  Then, and only then, will you possess the true Dharma eye, the marvelous mind of Nirvana, the true form of the formless, the subtle dharma gate that does not rest on words.

Wow – that was a really long introduction and sounds like it was typed by a cranky old man in a cardigan.  Let’s try another introduction.

‘Look at the cool cards my kids made on the computer!’

(go with whichever one works for you)

This next one was really difficult to do because Brod wanted to base his powers on Farting and Barfing.  So as not to offend his mother's delicate sensibilities, we harnessed the power of the internet and found a web page dedicated to all known colloquialisms for farting.  There were a lot of both colloquialisms and web pages dedicated to them (I guess I was wrong about technology...it is wonderful).

I suspect we'll get a lot of requests for more digital photos and more altering in the photo software to create additional Poke-Brittons.

D looks hot and I think I have the whole George Clooney meets Wayne Knight thing goin’ on!

Got to go to Prom this year...AND WITH THE PRETTIEST GAL THERE! 

She also appeared to be one of the few dates who didn’t spray on a tan at the Oompa Loompa House of Melanin Enhancement where you can choose x-mas turkey golden brown to Carmen Miranda Orange’.

Prom itself was fantastic.  Kids looked good and they all behaved exceptionally well.  The class sponsor did an excellent job organizing the event.  The ballroom was great.  The WCSX-Looking DJ spun some phat tunes and all the orange white kids jumped up and down, as if they knew how to dance, for hours.   

What’s to say?  It’s Memorial Day in America…men died so that they may mud bog.  *sniff*

(oh, and Mo was in the parade with the Daisy Scouts!)

Brody appears to be missing the finer things in life from our recent vacation.  Tonight he filled up the bath tub and then turned on the shower. 

When questioned, he indicated that it was his hot tub Jacuzzi.

I think the pig on the roast was a bit of a shock.  It was so foreign, they really thought it was fake; closer inspections aided in indentifying as something non-plastic.

When we went to the section with potters and glass blowers, Mo was mesmerized by the woman working with tin.  I don’t know if it was the fire, that fact that it was a woman or that she has a true interest in the metal-arts, but she was there forever.  It was cute!

We ended the trip at the fountain, where we started.  The kids enjoyed watching the Amish twenty-somethings gathered there with their trademark clothing, the hats, and the facial hair (common to either gender)…while they took digital photos, talked on their cell phones and wore expensive sneakers.  Is there a religion or belief system out there that doesn’t have loopholes?

We finished off with a quick run through of the Stars: Cars and Guitars 2 exhibit in the Museum.  I especially love seeing the Eliminator (though I’ve seen it many times now); the Sheryl Crow ‘stang was nice as were a car from Elvis and Roy Orbison.

D and Mo weren’t that into it, but interestingly Mo wanted to visit the Rosa Parks bus again.  Other than the letter to Henry Ford from Clyde Barrow and the JFK Car (how is that here and not in the Smithsonian?), I think that is the neatest exhibit there.

When we don’t buy the kids fast food; when I refuse to buy desert food for the house; or when we don’t let the kids skip their fruit and veggies, we remind them that we want them to be healthy and fit. 

‘Fit’ being our word for ‘not overweight like xxx.’

Brody, forever the shrewd negotiator, saw an opportunity to capitalize:  When he now asks for candy and is denied, his retort is …

But I’m going to be UNDERweight and that isn’t healthy either!

I love to listen to music and I know all the phonetic sounds of all the songs on hundreds of albums.

The ‘lyrics’…not so much.  Tom Petty I can understand…it’s a gift…anyone else…NOPE.

To make matters worse, when I listen to music, I love to sing.  Since I only know the general sounds of the lyrics, were one to turn off the radio I would sound like a deaf person yelling at someone in anger. 

Think, Marlee Matlin gets cut off in traffic.

I may have an auditory sensory problem, I may prefer the ‘orchestration’ (If one could call two guitars and a drum kit the ‘orchestra’ thus making the overly bearded fellows the ‘chorale’) to the vocals or I just may be lazy.

I’m going to go with an amalgam (just because I rarely get to use that word in normal conversation) of 1 and 3.

For instance, as a teen, I was pretty sure that when Till Tuesday told us to Hush, Hush…that even downtown…. They finished the thought with ‘It’s So Scary’ (versus, ‘voices carry’) and apparently, when one actually listens to the lyrics…Prince songs are rather naughty?  Hm…I thought ‘Thieves in the Temple’ had something to do with a Dan Brown novel.

And sadly, this appears to be genetic.

Whilst (another word I rarely use in daily conversation) shopping recently, Maura asked if she could have some ChapStick™.  She handed me the package…I looked at the price vs. the flavor and asked why she wanted ChapStick™.

She indicated that she had ‘…kissed a squirrel and she liked it.  The taste of the cherry ChapStick™’

Thanks to my wife for letting me hit the road.  It was just a fantastic day to go for a short motorcycle ride. 

P.S. To the gomer in the red pick up truck in Howell, USE YOUR FRIGGIN’ MIRRORS!

I think this would go nicely with our toilet with turn signals.

This past Sunday I asked who wanted to go shopping with me.  No one volunteered…until they were informed that the one left behind got to help D clean the house and the bathrooms.  Suddenly, Meijer was very popular…Brody pulled the long straw on that one.

When reviewing the coupons and circulars I noted a sale on 12 packs at both Walgreens and CVS.  In case you’ve never met me, I’m on a strict regimen of diet coke consumption:  House is to Vicadin, what Rob is to Diet Coke, if this were a SAT question.

However, I tend to avoid 12 packs, a lot of deposit money and a LOT of wasted packaging versus a two liter.  So Brody and I sat down in the lot and figured out the total cost per ounce and determined that the sale was not a sale compared to even a non-sale 2 liter.  So we pulled out of the lot and off to the grocery store.

While in the store I saw a display for sunscreen and decided to stock up.  The Hawaiian Tropic was on sale, two bucks off and Brody suggested that as he recognized the logo (?) and thought the container was pretty cool looking (it was).  I had him pick up the Meijer brand, which was still another four bucks cheaper than the sale price and compare ingredients – he was shocked that they were exactly the same.  So off we went with the sunscreen in the unattractive container.

So, later in the trip I stopped in the bakery isle.  Mo wanted to take M & M brownies to her class for her birthday.  So Brody and I looked at the options, compared prices, factored in my one coupon and I reached for a particular one.  Brody suggested another brand.  I indicated that mine was cheaper …

But Grasshopper pointed out that while his was a couple dimes more, that it came with candy confetti and as such, we would save money by not having to buy a big bag of M & M’s.

Well he was right and Mo loved them as well!