We purchase a LOT on-line.  I dare say 90% plus of our xmas gifts were purchased online.   Price of gas what it is, it’s a deal to have it shipped right to the house.  As I’ve mentioned before, it’s also nice to find items that are more unique than the same ol’, same ol’ at the mall.

As a result, we get ‘baby-got-back’ BUTT-load (is that hyphenated? Hm?) of catalogs.  Serendipitously, I read about Catalog Choice in the most recent issue of Business Week.  There is a free web site www.catalogchoice.org where you can, FOR FREE, register and decline catalogs.  They communicate and have partnerships with some of the largest purveyors of such items (such as Victoria’s Secret, LL Bean, Lands End and a horde of others) to remove you from the mailing list.

The article went on to say how the Direct Marketing Association was discouraging their membership from working with the group as it could reduce sales, though they couched it in more dire terms of an ‘assault’.

I had ripped the article out and came up to the den to go to the site.  Interesting notes of business vs. consumers vs. the environment:

1.       Business Week did not list the website address of Catalog Choice (though a cursory glance of other articles shows that they regularly provided web addresses in articles). (-1 Business Week)

2.       The assumed website would www.(name).com; turns out to be a link site to retails (-1 Spammers and -1 to BW for not clarifying, driving tons of traffic here – verified at Alexa.com)

3.       Went to google and typed catalog choice.  First site is DMAMailPreference.com which is a site RUN by the Direct Marketing Association who will do the same thing, but not free, you have to pay a couple bucks a year to the professional association for catalogs to cancel catalogs (-1 to DMA for trying to get paid, -1 more to BW for not warning us in their article).

The site was good and had a lot of catalogs.  I only wish you could ‘decline all’ (you have to decline, one-by-one) though I suspect that is their concession to the catalog companies for their participation (-1 to both parties for being either wussies or babies).

Last night Mo was in the bath, Brody was playing with some new xmas toys and we were actually able to talk to each other without being interrupted.

UNTIL we heard an absolutely huge fart coming from the bathroom!

It was so large, I though Mo had fallen or something and started to sprint to the bathroom…then I heard some pretty serious giggling and figured all was as it sounded. 

Dayna and I went in and saw a little girl, stricken with laughter, continuing to make the periodic fart.  Being good parents we contained our laughter or expressed it around the corner.

We asked Mo if that was her, she said yes, and when asked, could even do so on demand!

Dayna suggested I empty the bath and give her another as this one would be swimming with e-coli!  She headed to check her e-mail and I sat down on a stool next to the tub.

After a couple more minutes, and a couple more farts, I realized that under the bubbles and water line, there was a large plastic bowl that the kids play with in the tub.  Mo was sitting in it, pushing her bottom down (pushing out the water) and then lifting up her hips, attempting to maintain the seal until air finally rushing in…making the sound.

No farts at all…just physical science at work.

She spent the rest of the evening perfecting her science and giggling.

So it’s xmas, and like most women, Dayna wants to look great in front of other women.  She picked up a new sweater and was anxious to wear it today to her Mom’s. 

She’s heading into the shower (Brody is enjoying his Star Wars Legos – which he is assembling himself as he wants to become a ‘Brick Master!’ and Mo fell asleep on the couch – which seems to happen to children who get up at 4:30 a.m.!) and all of a sudden I hear a scream of sadness!

Its blood curdling, expressing the utter fear and disappointment reserved for only the most distraught (I keep typing on the computer anyway). 

Turns out JCP has left the security tag on! 

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Fortunately, Dayna’s hotness will transform any article of clothing into something equally as desirable.

As for me, I’ve found what I need on the internet (follow LINK) and am going to see what I can do.

If you’re average middle class white folk, (like me) you most likely don’t care for Bratz dolls (that of course assumes you’re a parent of pre-tween to tween children and you have reason to hold an opinion).

We look at them, see puffy lips, lip liner and automatically assume that they are slutty and never use an ‘L’ when saying ‘alright’. 

However, that is ALL Mo wanted for xmas this year.  You’d ask her; over and over, the response was consistent for months: Big girl bed and Bratz dolls.  I was reluctant at first, but in order to ensure my righteous objection was valid, resulting in her utter disappointment, some honest reflection was required.

Compare a Bratz doll (in appearance or attire) to any Barbie (normal, my scene or other line), to Disney Princesses or Fairies (yes, their gowns are more modest from the waist down, (Hey! On top they’re just strapless bustiers)) and you’ll find all have distorted proportions (though they’re in the hips, waist, legs and eyes versus the lips)and they’re really not so different.    

Upon personal reflection one can’t help but wonder if it isn’t some latent racism, or classism (if that is a word) we refuse to acknowledge in the face of the dolls diverse representation and multi-cultural (hip hoppy) appearance.

I scanned Amazon and noted that their clothing was no more or less indecent than any other doll or that of your average teen girl at the mall whose parents wouldn’t buy her a Bratz doll but would let her pierce her navel, get a tat, and wear a clothing swatch as a skirt.

My fears were even more allayed as I noted the Bratz Kidz line which had younger dolls, in modest clothing doing wholesome activities (Horseback Riding; Sleep Overs – at least they weren’t shopping addicts like most girls toys (Polly Pocket I’m talking to you…get some help girlfriend!))

Okay, so there’s my mea culpa for buying my four and a half year old some Bratz dolls.  I did it, I’m proud and am glad she has gals that are empowered and not those co-dependent, enabling Princesses!

ALL that being said, this really started off as a recounting of a funny anecdote last night:  (NOTE: Mo knows, or knew, and assumed we greatly disliked Bratz dolls)  As we set up the cookies and milk, tracked Santa on-line at NORAD, and did the final preparations for his arrival, the kids kept saying, ‘I really hope I get X’ (X= desired toy…or for Brody X=’Star Wars’ +Desired Toy Description). 

Maura said, in that sing songy voice, and with a smile: ‘I hope Santa brings me a Bratz doll and you’re just going to have to live with it!’

Cracked me up…we ensured that her two Bratz Kidz Sleep Over dolls were her last two gifts and she happily played with them on her new big girl bed (that santa assembled till 2 a.m.) in her room.

Dayna came across the following site and the kids LOVE IT. 

http://disheartened.ytmnd.com/

We all regularly yell ‘nooooooo’ in slow motion whenever we’re disheartened.

Other areas of the site to check out:

http://www.ytmnd.com/

http://vaderfortune.ytmnd.com/

http://vadeodd.ytmnd.com/

Every now and again, the kids regress to one-word requests.  For example:

‘Louder’ = ‘Father, please increase the decibel level of the stereophonic system to a level more audible to my inner ear.’

Obviously, we don’t intend to reward an abuse of word conservancy and when a request is poised in the proper and polite manner, we do respond and praise as is appropriate.

So today, Mo asked for something and she did so with the expected manners.

I said ‘Thanks a lot.’

She immediately was annoyed, and acted as if I had made fun of her.

She pointed out that ‘Thanks a lot’ means you’re not thankful.

Took a second to figure out, but she’s right . . . usually, you hear (or SAY) ‘Thanks a lot’ with a bit of a sarcastic and facetious inflection.

Brody has a couple light sabers that light up and make noise.  They of course require batteries.  They have long had expired batteries and as such, weren’t considered light sabers as much as clear, hollow sister swatters.

Last night picked up some batteries and just put them in now.  They light up quite impressively now (thanks to name brand batteries versus the billyjoebob brand that comes in the toy from the manufacturer).

Brody, in true Star Wars fan form, is in his room, re-enacting a SW saber scene while playing (on repeat) Duel of the Fates.

Started a new job today – LOVE IT! 

Maura LOVES x-mas music and has been disappointed that my radio doesn’t pick up 100.3 (if you say that, she’ll sing ‘WNIC’ as they do during station identification . . . it’s cute). 

We were talking about x-mas music during dinner and I mentioned that I could make a CD of her favorite songs that she could listen to at any time.

Before she had a chance to respond Brody asked if I could do the same with Star Wars music.

(TANGENT ALERT: I think I may be able to swing this enjoyment of John Williams Star Wars music into an appreciation (doesn’t have to ‘love’) of classical music.  May have to check out the ticket prices; Mr. Williams is coming to the DSO next year)

Both were excited.  Being a good parent I turned it into a blackmail opportunity: help me clean your rooms, run up and down the stairs returning items to the rightful spot AND I’ll make you the CDs (and if need be, purchase an iTune or two).

So right now, Maura is jumping up and down, dancing to a rockin’ version of Frosty the Snowman as performed by the Reverend Horton Heat; Brody ha s John Williams performing Duel of the Fates very loud (and I’m listening to the Beastie Boys). 

It’s noisy, but it’s a home filled with joy.

Last night Maura and I painted her nails (thankfully, mine were spared this time) and then she wanted to read.

‘Was it a Caldecott Winner?’ you might ask.

‘An early reader for kids whose parents are convinced their gifted, even though the kid still eats paste?’

Or, ‘It was the most recent issue of the Journal Nature, wasn’t it?’

Well, the answer to all three of your guesses is No, Nope, and No there is too many words for Dad, he ain’t reading that to her!

Rather she grabbed the most recent issue of Redbook, grabbed a marker, and then we went through page by page.  She would circle items she liked (dresses and make up in the rose family) and would put an ‘x’ over anything she disliked (I’m a little fuzzy on the pattern there, I think it was anything expensive or made by Chinese prisoners.

Primarily she was disturbed by the vacant stares (this is really her now, not me screwing around) on the models. 

Okay.  So she wants to look at clothes and make up BUT…she doesn’t want to be vacuous!

YAY!

Just so you know; don’t use nail polish remover on your daughter’s fingernails when you have a healing wound on your primary hand’s middle finger.

Those of you who know our kids, now that they are completely incapable of ‘sleeping in.’  This morning I heard Mo’ rustling around 6 a.m.; as Dayna was up late and not feeling well (the two were not connected) I got up to intercept.

Mo’ and I were talking in the stairwell when a completely disheveled Brody, in his underwear, opens his door and says…

‘What’s all this commotion?  I’m trying to sleep here!’  (Done in his best Walter Mathau voice)

And then heads back to bed.

For five minutes.

Dayna was home sick today and kudos to the kids for coming through on dinner.  Brody wanted to set up a buffet, but when that was vetoed, they made dinner themselves. 

So you’re kids are going to make their own dinner…wonder what they’ll pick?

BUZZ!   Wrong!  They picked good stuff.

Brody had black beans and grapes; Mo, grapes, yogurt and low fat oatmeal.  They set the table, poured their own drinks and cleared the table.

Mo even made a PB&J (my default meal and favorite food) for me.

I can’t say we’re the most successful, but I think we do a better job than many when it comes to limiting screen time.

Anything with a screen is a way for advertisers to make ones children unhappy by informing them that they don’t ‘fit in’ (which can be rectified by the purchase of their product or service) or create an insatiable desire for a toy that had no clue existed minutes prior. 

We’re very honest with the kids and they understand that advertisers just want your money (no career in marketing for these two).  I picked up the kids version of Fast Food Nation for them, and while I haven’t read it to them as a bed time story, I have showed them images and sections of the book.  Presently I need to hit the cigs a little harder as Brody is getting older and is certain to run into some ‘My Dad’s Name is Earl’ kid who stole a pack from Pops; especially with the recent versions that have candy-like flavors for the clove thingees.  I also have several books to get to on my wish list regarding the targeting of children by companies.

The DVR has helped tremendously in that endeavor.  When they do get a show, it’s one we’ve taped and we can fast forward through the commercials. 

That being said, we certainly don’t want the kids surfing often or alone.  I know many his age that have laptops and their parents RAVE about their computing acumen.

I’m sorry, you move a mouse and click a friggin’ button.  Boo Boo the flatulent monkey at the zoo can do the same to get rewards of food.  It’s not as if they’re creating an access database; maintaining an inventory of one’s scrapbook supplies, the total value of existing inventory, a notification system when specific embellishments are low, or can calculate the exact ‘cost per page’ upon completion…they are pushing buttons to see shit move.  That’s it.

So yes, my kids can use a computer, move a mouse, memorize a website address or play a game.  What I am impressed with are the higher level skills…do they understand how to use a computer to help them.

The answer, at present, is ‘Yes.’

Dayna shows the kids pics from one of her favorite sites http://icancheezburger.com/ and occasionally shows them a couple videos on You Tube (Mo wants Pink and Fergie (or is that me?) videos and Brody wants the Stop Action Star Wars Legos videos). 

Both of the kids like the Pretender video by the Foo Fighters so Brody asked Dayna to put ‘Star Wars Lego Pretender Foo’ in the search box; and guess what…NOTHING!  BUT, we took out Lego and the first hit was a mash up of SW scenes to the song.  He ‘gets’ the logic of search strings, keywords and tags.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CrxwBBGp9XM

This morning he did it again on his own, however also learned another valuable lesson.  1) He has heard of cheat codes for video games (I’ve not told him) and wanted them for his PC Version of Lego SW1.  He got to google, typed ‘Star Wars I Lego PC’  (he knew to type PC so it was the computer version and not one for a game system).  First result was a hit!  I think THAT is impressive.

The lesson however is that I had left the computer on the night before and he did this as we dressed.  One typo and he’s looking at some scary porn.  Got to remember to turn off and set up a few more passwords.

A couple great sites you may want to check out.  They are easy to do.  Dayna made a great Sith Lord line dance for Brody.

www.elfyourself.com

http://www.scroogeyourself.com/

Oh, the following post just reminded me…

It’s a very special Xmas this year, and to celebrate the birth of the preferred deity of a majority of Americans…I can think of nothing better than seeing Sweeny Todd.  I mean, it’s like a live action Rudolph Special…stop animation brought to life!

So, if anyone is interested let me know…is there anything hotter than Helena Bonham Carter in a period piece sporting really nasty teeth?

I think not!

I’m not saying my wife might get a pair of shoes for the holidays, but ‘Damn!’ do they see you gals coming or what?

To see shoes, with little or no discernable difference in quality, to vary in price by up to 300 dollars is staggering.

The only pattern I could find was that as a shoe approached Gaudy, Ugly, or Tim Burton-y the price would increase exponentially; such that something Baby Spice would find embarrassing was well over $500!